The Xmen Present: Hansel and Gretel
by Chellerbelle
Summary: The story of Hansel and Gretel, X-men style. Includes cast and narrator commentary. Just for laughs.


**AN: **

_Hansel and Gretel_ was requested by:

Heart Keeper  
SuniGyrl  
Alierana  
BreBre

* * *

There was once a poor woodcutter named Logan who lived in a cottage with his two children, Anna and Kurt. His wife had died some time ago, and his second wife, Raven, often mistreated the children.

* * *

"Why am I married to Mystique again?" Logan muttered.

Mystique turned into Storm.

"Is this better?" the shapeshifter asked.

"I'd suggest," Storm said dangerously, "that you change back immediately, Mystique."

* * *

Now it happened that Raven began trying to persuade Logan to abandon the children in the forest, citing that they were far too many mouths to feed. One night all she would do was pester him to do what she wanted and finally in the morning, Logan agreed.

* * *

"Nag, nag, nag," Gambit said to Mystique.

"Do shut your mouth," she replied.

"You first."

* * *

Fortunately, Kurt had overheard he conversation, and filled up his pockets with small white pebbles. In the morning when Logan took his children out into the forest, Kurt secretly dropped pebbles along the way.

Logan found an excuse to leave the children on their own and departed. Once it became clear that he wasn't coming back, Kurt assured Anna that everything would be all right.

"I can get us home," he promised her.

And thus is was that the two followed the trail of pebbles home. Logan was overjoyed to see them.

* * *

"Damn straight," said Logan. "I trained 'em."

"Now," said Gambit with a grin, "if only the woodcutter wasn't such a wimp to be bullied by his own wife..."

"Are you looking to get skewered, Gumbo?"

* * *

Raven, on the other hand, was most angry about the return of the children. She lectured Logan and locked the children up in their bedroom overnight, giving them only bread and water. In the morning, she made Logan abandon the children once more.

Kurt didn't end up eating his bread, and instead left a trail of breadcrumbs. Unfortunately, come time for the journey home, the trail had been eaten by birds and swept away by the wind, and Kurt and Anna became quite lost.

"Don't worry, Anna," Kurt said firmly. "I'll look after you."

* * *

"If you weren't her brother..." Gambit said.

Rogue snickered and Kurt rolled his eyes.

* * *

The following day, Kurt and Anna came across a most peculiar cottage. It didn't take them long to realise that the cottage was in fact, made of chocolate, icing, nougat, toffee and all sorts of delicious treats. They were quite hungry at this stage and began eating eagerly.

The door opened and in the doorway stood a blue-skinned woman.

"Well, well, look what we have here," she said. "Two children with sweet teeth, hmm?"

* * *

"Wait, if Mystique is the stepmother," said Kurt, "who's the witch?"

**Mystique. It wasn't uncommon in rewrites of the story for the witch and the stepmother to be the same person. **

* * *

"Don't worry," said the witch. "You're quite safe. Come in, come in."

But as soon as Anna and Kurt had entered the cottage, the witch fell on Kurt and locked him into a cage.

"You're all skin and bones," she said. "I shall have to fatten you up before I eat you."

Then she turned on Anna and put her to work cleaning the house.

* * *

"Is there a French maid costume involved?" Gambit asked.

"Yeah," Rogue said dryly, "couldn't see that one coming."

"I think I still have the one from _Beauty and the Beast_..."

* * *

Fortunately, the witch had bad eyesight and Anna discovered that if she smeared butter on the witch's glasses, her eyesight was even worse. Anna also gave Kurt a chicken bone, and every day when the witch would demand to feel Kurt's finger to see how fat he'd gotten, he would hold out the chicken bone. Every day the witch would complain that he wasn't fat enough.

Eventually the witch grew impatient.

"Light the oven," the witch demanded of Anna. "We shall be eating tasty roasted boy today."

Anna lit the oven as she was told. Later the witch demanded of her to check if the oven was hot enough.

"I can't tell," Anna told her with a whimper.

"Useless child!" the witch declared. "I shall check for myself."

So the witch went to the oven, but when she open the door and bent down to check the heat, Anna pushed her inside and shut the door. Anna then ran to her brother and set him free.

Kurt and Anna then made sure that the oven was locked up tight, and then they went through the witch's things and found all sorts of valuable things.

* * *

"Looting, I approve," said Gambit.

"You would," Rogue replied.

"Absolutely."

"Remind me why you're dating this guy again," said Kurt.

"He's really good with his hands," Rogue said with a straight face.

"I knew it," joked Gambit. "You only want me for sex."

"That's right. It has nothing to do with your charm, brains or sense of humour."

* * *

Kurt and Anna collected all the treasure and stocked up on food, then they left the cottage to make another attempt at finding their way home. This time they found their way and Logan wept with joy when he saw them. They hugged and Logan told them that Raven was dead, and Kurt and Anna made him promise never to abandon them again. Logan agreed wholeheartedly, and the children revealed all the treasure.

"We're rich now," said Kurt. "You'll never have to cut wood again."

And they lived happily ever after.

* * *

Mystique shook her head.

"I know I wasn't the best mother but -" she began.

"That's putting it mildly," Rogue said.

"I thought it was interesting though," said Kurt thoughtfully. "You pushed Mystique in her statue state off the cliff, and you were also the one to shove her into the oven."

"Oooh spooky parallels," Rogue said with a giggle.


End file.
